Post-fuckit update

After my last post, I caved. I quit fighting myself and what I knew was the best thing for me, and I called and told them I wasn’t coming back. This was Monday night.

One of my two favorite managers (and one of three good ones) answered, so of course I had to cry, but he just made sure he understood that I was not coming back and finishing out my two weeks, and agreed when I told him I’d pick up my check on Friday. I spent Tuesday doing minor transcription work (through TranscribeMe– expect a more detailed post on this later), and Wednesday was my birthday. I spent this going down to take care of some administrative stuff at my school (an hour away), then catching up with a friend I haven’t seen in months because I’m always too tired after work and too reclusive on my days off. Since then I’ve been feeling a little numb. I’ve known I ought to jump right back on and start being productive, but I’ve been really just licking my wounds.

I have, at least, engaged in some self-care. I’ve worked on my Mood Afghan, and I’ve been pretty reliable at actually keeping track of my moods (3 per day). I swatched the FineTec metallic watercolors that I received for my birthday. They’re stunning; I’ll have to remember to post porn of them. I also got Mario + Rabbids Kingdom Battle, so I’ve been playing some of that (If you’re wondering, it’s entertaining but weird af. I just had to look up the origin of Rabbids, and that’s also weird af). Lastly, I’ve learned the basics of Tunisian crochet. Now, I have the advantage of being extremely proficient both with knitting and crochet, but I find this is pretty damn easy to pick up, and it looks beautiful when finished.

I did go in on Friday and clean out my locker. I had to say some pretty emotional goodbyes, but the managers on duty were surprisingly sympathetic and sorry to see me go, in spite of my quitting twelve hours before a shift. Nobody gave me any grief. They all know how it is, to some degree. I think I’m one of the ones who took the bullshit there the hardest, but it’s pretty hard to not notice anything. One of them was one of my favorites, and he just hugged me and told me to stay in touch. He’s heard me go off about this place multiple times before, and he’s always been really considerate and thoughtful in his responses, and only cautioned me to document my experiences rather than negating them.

So that’s done. I have firm plans to spend lunch with one of the friends I made there every Friday. I’ll probably keep my head down and stay out of there for a few weeks, because it’s too emotional right now. I’ve been there for just over three years, and some of those people are like family. My final check came halfway though this post, and with it my tax docs, so that’s also done. It feels kind of strange, and I still feel kind of numb. I’m being gentle with myself right now, but I have to start being hard on myself soon. I need to focus on my homework and keep up with TranscribeMe. I can’t get into the habit of going to bed late — I’m not trying to keep my 5 am schedule, but I want to stay an early bird, because I know that staying up late keeps me depressed. I also need to figure out how I want to pursue the exercise that I’m losing with 12k steps a day at work.

But I think I’m gonna wait until tomorrow.

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